Currently Listening Live Rust By Neil Young & Crazy Horse Sedan Delivery see related

Another day in Daveland.  Slept in (as usual), being the depressed, lazy bed-slug that I am of late.  Went to see one of Erica's friends in rehab.  that was a wake up call for me.  She's about 23 and looks, no joke, about 40.  the drugs and "the Life" have not been kind to her.  I feel her pain, I feel what she is going through, having been there, literally, that same place 3 times myself.  I know the struggle she has ahead of her... I only pray she has the strength to pull through, and care enough about herself, and the future she can have, to stop destroying herself slowly.  I don't know her that well, it's just that being an absolutely horrible, rock bottom, hardcore addict, myself, I feel compassion for just about anyone struggling with the disease of addiction, of any kind.  I'm just a caring person, too, caring-sometimes to a fault, I have let people use and manipulate me before, and probably will again, because I'm just plain TOO F-in' NICE!.  It was good for me to see her like that, though, it keeps it real for me, everytime I see one of my old "friends", all strung out, looking like walking death.  It reminds me where I was where I came from, and where I NEVER want to go again. "E" and I are getting along, we still have some rough spots, I'm sure we will have for sometime.  We both hurt each other.  Bad.  I KNOW we can forgive, not forget.  We can never forget.  We learned how much we really mean to each other, from our experiences in the last 6-7 months, and a lot of hurt, and healing has been done, and still needs to be.  But WE CAN do it.  I have faith in US.  My little family.  I almost lost it, all of it.  Everything I spent years to get back together, in a few short months of drug-addled insanity, and I will NEVER let them cloud my sight again.  I know what I want now.  I was scared of the responsibility, the work, the patience... basically, of having to be an adult, finally.  But, that's who I am, I'm not a kid anymore, I'm almost 40, for crissakes.  I did 10 peoples worth of drugs and partying.  I partied like a rock star, literally, for 7-8 years day in, day out.  That's over now.  That was then, this is now.

                                Later....

Life goes on_____

   Ever wonder about all that stupid stuff?  What makes people do the things they do?  Why do I bother?  Is this all there is?  You know, all of that meaning of life shit?  Welcome to my world.  I spend way more time pondering such unanswerable, philosophical bullshit, than any healthy person should.  I know, intellectually, that I need to just do what I have to do, and get out of my head.  But then, I ask myself why?  Why do I need to do anything?  Sometimes I think I'm just a hopeless head case.  But when I say that to someone else, they tell me I'm crazy even thinking that.  that I'm this, I'm that, They admire this about me....Blah, blah, blah....

     There are somethings I don't question at all.  Concrete, absolutes.  Such as I LOVE my son, Drew.  He's absolutely beautiful, I mean literally, the perfect baby.  Baby?  I don't know... I guess bordering on toddler.  He really started "toddling" today.  I mean taking 6-8 steps at a time standing up straight, well-balanced, deliberate walking.  Not just taking a step or two, until he can steady himself by holding on to something.  He was trying to get in the bedroom this morning, banging on the door, and Erica was still sleeping, So I said"Andrew NO, come here."  never expecting what happened next.  He turned around, and walked right to me!  I was overwhelmed.  I always knew, in my mind that raising a child had to be really cool, watching them change, and grow.  But it far surpasses any inkling I ever had.  When you watch this little person you created do new things, almost every day figure things out, and develop problem-solving abilities right before your very eyes it's something that someone who isn't a parent could never begin to comprehend, it's really overwhelming, almost scary sometimes.  When I see little personality traits of my own in him, when I see the glare of defiance in his big, brown eyes, doing the same things, over, and over again, even after being told not to a hundred times....mini-me.  Poor kid.  Is he pre-destined to be like myself? my brother, my wife?  I want so much more for him.  I guess all, no. I take that back, most parents do. 

     I guess I'm just having a philosophical day.  I just want normalcy. if there is such a thing.  I want something I can believe in.  other people have their Gods, their religions, their jobs, businesses, hobbies, careers, I just feel stagnant, and don't seem to be able to unstagnate myself, it seems, I just feel stuck, in a cycle of sameness, familiarity, never doing anything new, sitting on my ass, like I'm waiting for something to happen.  But what?  I know I need to make things happen myself, but I don't even know what, how, or where to start. 

       I guess what I'm feeling is a lack of direction.....

Currently Listening Out of Exile By Audioslave the curse see related

Ours is not to wonder why...

A long week!  Erica's been a little down about her Mom's illness.  The BaeBae is into EVERYTHING.  Dave is just keepin' on Keepin' on.  Thing's are good between us all, anyhoo.  This looking for a job thing really blows.  Nobody wants me....Whaaaaa!!!!  I'll find something, anything, soon.  I've got to.  Too much free time and Dave don't mix well.Maybe I really am just lazy, like my folks always said I was.  Other people, it seems, go out for a job, and a few days later, they're working somewhere.  What is it?  I mean....I don't look like Charlie Manson, or anything.  Filed my(our) taxes.  That was one bright spot, due to "THE KID"  we are getting a nice chunk back, that we need more desperately than I like to admit.  My PO is all over me to find work, and I tell him, "You go out there and try to find a job in Rural VT, in February!"  He's about as warm and fuzzy as your average cinder block.  A real charmer.  Fuck Them.  Less than 2 years, and I never have to see them, or Vermont, again!! YEAH!!!!!!Woo Woo  LOL

             Valentine's Day was great.  Erica and I took advantage of the time to the MAX.  Gave Drew to Mom for the night, and just "were" together.  Enjoying each other, talking, just being us and well ya' know, ALL that stuff!  I gave her a long-stemmed rose dipped in 24 Kt. Gold, which practically made her head explode.  For all we've (especially her) have been through she deserved it.  I wish I could have given her a dozen of them.  Being back together again, has made us realize what we are to each other, not that we didn't know before, but...well, I guess we just appreciate it, savor it more. It's been a week of ups and downs.  Yesterday, we argued sporadically off and on all day.  But hey, at least we're communicating, right?  And nobody stayed mad.  That's the most important thing.  We both have lots on our minds, and sometimes it comes out at the wrong times, and on the wrong people,too.  Fortunately we're both big enough people to accept that and let it go, and try to help each other get through.  We know, or realize once again, that our relationship is the kind that most spend their lives looking for, and many never find, And we take it for granted sometimes....

Currently Listening Abbey Road By The Beatles Polythene Pam, at the moment... see related

Me again.... Bored-bored-BORED-Fucking bored.  Sitting around.... Listening to the Beatles, anybody heard of em'?  Great band, check them out sometime.  I was walking home frome the store the other night, and there's this like, junk shop that I'm going by, and he always has some of his "wares" on tables out on the sidewalk out front of the place.  What an eyesore.  I love the place.  So he's got this really cool hand blown clear, but cobalt blue (my fave) in the middle glass whale sitting there, it's like, probably a foot long, maybe a little more, anyway, I looked at it, and I liked it, he also had a couple of DVD players out there, and I kinda needed another one, believe it or not, we actually had one in the bedroom, but not in the living room!  Yeah, we're a little"different".  (Did I mention that I am bored?)  So I step in the dim, grungy hole and ask the old stubbly, cigar-smoking, disheveled guy who owns the place what he wants for the two items I'm looking at, he's really reasonable, I don't know where he finds all this shit, but it's like yard sale prices.  He says "$15 apiece, "Dat Whale's hand blown, Ya know."  I said "Yeah, well let me figure out which one I want to get, 'cause I've only got twenty bucks to my name" (Knowing I have a good chance of him saying to just take them both for the twenty.  Which he did.  So that was my little coup the other day the whale makes me happy, it looks cool where I put it in the window with the light illuminating it, and I just hooke up the DVD player, Its a JVC w/progressive scan and all that stuff,and only two years old, a definite score for ten bucks, SO I'm happily blogging away, listening to "Abbey Road".  You know your gettin' old, when you consider it to be one of the greatest albums of all time.  BUT, I contend that it definitely is in the top ten along with the "White Album". I think my neighbors probably hate me right now...HEHE.  It is just a tad loud, I'm thirty-eight, and have attended hundreds of concerts, literally, I used to climb the Marshall stacks at Neil Young shows and dance on top of them, then security would have me "removed" (more like, extracted) pretty roughly sometimes, heehee, I would dance in front of them!   .back in my impuddle-ated trippin' maniac days, where did they go?Anyway my hearing isn't so hot all the time.  I wonder sometimes.... It seems I just woke up and had a beautiful wife and kid, sometimes... And the miracle is.  10-12 years ago, I would have been voted least likely to ever settle down, by at least half of the population of this little "city, they call it".  Yet I find myself extremely content for the most part with my life the way it is now. Hmmmmm. I was absolutely beside myself for a few MONTHS when I had gotten myself really f-ed up for a really long time, and it looked like I was about to lose it all.  Amazing, How the Dave has changed, enough rambling about nothing for one night, I guess, Plus I need to go off-line, so my Babe can call me I miss her so much, its been a long weekend without her and the kid, it was nice to have a little quiet time, but really, I've missed them like hell since they left.  

                                          Peace

Currently Listening Tonight's the Night By Neil Young see related

Hey folks-

    I was just looking at my blog and realized I hadn't written since Friday,  It's Sun. now, Wifey went to CT to see her Fam, w/baby, so its just little ol' me sittin' here, bored and LONELY you'd think I'd have done lots of blogging, but I've got this A.D.D. problem, I don't seem to be able to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes, anyway, I've just been hanging out cleaning a little eating a very little, whiling away the time waiting for my Baby(s) to get back.  What a Fucking sap.  You'd think I'd be out with the boys whuppin' it up at some sports bar, or something!  But NO, I'm all done with that.  I just want a quiet, simple life these days, quiet, I've got, simple... Welllll, we're working on that.  More tomorrow.

                                               Peace